Suggestions On How To Foster Autonomy In Your Child
Dissimilar to most non-European cultures, in our society, we demand a great deal of independence from children. By age three, children are expected to come to school without parents, comply with the rules and expectations of their teachers, and begin to control their aggressive impulses and get along with peers.
Knowing that the development of autonomy is the goal, it is important that the expectations we have of children be consistent with achieving autonomy.
It is important to be aware that there are certain behaviors, carried over from babyhood, which can get in the way of your child feeling autonomous and being able to successfully separate into preschool. When a child is being given the message that he/she is now old enough to come to school without Mom or Dad, it can create confusion and anxiety within the child, if he/she does not feel autonomous in certain areas.
Needless to say, all human development takes place over a long period of time, and the development of autonomy can last into adulthood. However, there are some major milestones in the development of autonomy in early childhood, which you should keep in mind:
Being able to put him/herself to sleep on his/her own
Starting at about 6 months of age, with the onset of memory, it is best to start helping your child to go to sleep on his/her own, as opposed to holding or rocking him/her to sleep. The process is a lengthy one, so don�t expect that it will happen right away, but the process should be started at around 6 months. Putting him/herself to sleep should be a well-established pattern, by the time the child is weaned from the breast and/or bottle.
The goal is that, after a reasonable time with Mom or Dad, reading and talking about the day together (while Mom or Dad sits on a chair next to the bed), your child allows you to leave the room and goes to sleep without further adult assistance. Be aware that, if you get into the bed with your child to read or talk at bedtime, it can make the separation much more challenging when it�s time for you to leave the room.
Having learned to go to sleep by him/herself enables your child to go back to sleep in the middle of the night on his/her own (unless, of course, he/she is having night terrors or other current traumas in his/her life). In his book, "To Listen To A Child," Dr. T. Berry Brazelton says, "Being able to manage alone at night helps the child develop a positive self-image and gives him a real feeling of strength during the day."
Being weaned from breastfeeding and bottles
Using a pacifiers and thumb sucking are somewhat different, in that they are strategies that a child can use to comfort him/herself. However, preschool-age children�s use of pacifiers should be limited to "down times," such as before nap and bedtime. If a child is a thumb-sucker, his/her source of comfort is part of his/her own body, and is therefore an option to him/her at all times. Again, the four- to five-year old child should be at a point where he/she only relies on thumb sucking when he/she is tired, unhappy or bored. (A child who is thumb sucking because he/she doesn�t know what to do next should be re-directed and helped to engage in meaningful activity). For more on this, see Dr. T. Berry Brazelton�s article, "Thumbs, Pacifiers and Loveys: What Every Parent Should Know."
Being able to play on his/her own
Learning to play on one's own and keep oneself busy is an important part of becoming autonomous. Children tend to prefer to play with adults for two main reasons: - Adults tend to supply children with ideas for their play, which means that children don't ever experience boredom and have to figure out for themselves what they'll do next. - Generally, adults will do whatever their child tells them to when they are playing with their child (e.g. "I'll be the baby. You�re the mommy." Or "It's my turn to do _____.") Children like the power of being able to control what the adults do, but it does not prepare them for play with peers. Peers will often have a different idea or plan, and they may not do what another child asks them to do in play.
When it comes time for children to separate from Moms and Dads at school, they can become stuck, if they haven�t learned how to initiate and sustain play on their own (for a reasonable period of time). Being able to find something, or someone, more engaging and fun than their parents is one of the things that help children separate from parents (sad, but true). At school, teachers can help a child find something to do, but a teacher will not play with him/her. Therefore, if children are dependent on adults to keep them engaged and busy, the transition into nursery school can be difficult. Being able to autonomously choose what to play and keep him/herself busy not only helps your child at school, but also provides him/her with a feeling of confidence and comfort that he/she carries throughout the day.
Being able to dress him/herself
Children can begin the process of learning to dress themselves by the age of two. The expectation should be that children try, and you can sit with your child and talk him/her through the process. As your child gets older, he/she can do more of the dressing on his/her own. Pants with elastic waistbands really help. A child can begin putting his/her own shoes and socks on by the age of three. Velcro and slip-on shoes help at this age, but even with tie shoes, children (3 years and older) can be expected to do all of the process except for opening up the laces and tying the laces. Your child may be ready to do these things even earlier, so you can tailor these expectations to the readiness of your own child.
Being potty trained and in underwear during the day
Unless there are medical issues, or there is some other trauma in the life of a child, girls can be expected to be potty-trained by 2 �, boys by 3. (Night training may take longer, especially for boys). The reason we expect children who enter preschool to be potty-trained is that it is such an important part of a child feeling autonomous. It has nothing to do with our not wanting to change soiled clothes. Boys who enter preschool before the age of 3, and have not yet accomplished potty-training, will generally accomplish potty-training shortly after starting school. There are regular, group potty times each day, when children are expected to sit on the potty and try to go to the bathroom. Of course, it is common for potty-trained children to have some regression at the time of separating into the preschool, and such accidents are not an issue.
Potty-training also includes being able to wipe oneself. To start with, the expectation should be that he/she tries and does the best he/she can. You can finish up the job, if need be. Eventually, the goal is for a child to be able to do the process completely independently. When you send your child to school, you want to send them with as much competence as possible. By the way, for girls, teach them to wipe front to back, to avoid bladder infections.
(For more on potty-training, ask for our potty-training handouts).
Walking on his/her own two feet at school.
When you carry your child into school, the message you are communicating to your child is that he/she is a baby. Then, you expect him/her to play, interact, say, "Hello," etc., which gives a conflicting message. When children enter school on their own steam, it helps them feel much more capable and autonomous. The message you are giving them when you allow them to walk on their own two feet is, "You can do it."
When a child remains dependent on adults for such basic needs as those listed above, it leaves him/her unable to feel completely autonomous. This does get in the way of him/her feeling secure and comfortable at school. We hope that these guidelines are useful to you in helping your child develop a sense of autonomy and self-assurance.
